It's a Boy - 22 Weeks
How does one reflect on the gender of one's child? After writing the title of this entry, I stared blankly at the screen (then at the floor, then at the desk, then at my can of pineapple juice). After so many months of not knowing, it was summed up in a few seconds at the doctor's office, clear as day, without question. A boy. It may sound like I'm in shock or disappointed that it is a boy, but it's just the shock of actually knowing it's one or the other. This little being now has more of an identity, is becoming more and more real every day. I keep catching myself saying "it", and it feels so weird to say he.
We are both so excited that it is a boy, though I would have been happy either way. Ian, I think, is even more excited because not only did he want what he calls "one on his team", but I think there are so many things he's imagined sharing with his son that he shared with his dad as a boy. And as much as I can claim that girls can be just as interested in cars and computers as boys, I can't deny that Emily will never really care all that much. She likes trucks and Star Wars because she can share these things with her dad, and not necessarily because they hold an intrinsic value to her. I'm also glad to be able to have a different experience with a boy than I had with Emily. Sons just don't have the same relationship with their moms as daughters do - some argue that it's better or easier, and I can't say, but it will be different.
Alas, although our options of names have been cut in half, we have yet to decide on one. I always kind of thought we'd wait until we met him or her to really choose a name, but I thought we'd at least be a little closer at this point. The best response I can get from Ian at this point on a name is "I don't hate it".
But there is one name. Before Ian and I had even seriously considered getting engaged, we were on campus having breakfast on one of Ian's visits. It was just after we had a difficult winter and that spring was a renewal of sorts for us. We were talking about baby names, obviously very abstractly, and I suggested one. Ian agreed that it was perfect. Since then, I've thought of our child as not only a boy, but with this paticular name. So, over the last year and a half, I've thought of the name as not only symbolic in terms of our relationship, but now that I'm pregnant, it also signifies that this baby was so wanted by both of us, so real, so long ago.
We are both so excited that it is a boy, though I would have been happy either way. Ian, I think, is even more excited because not only did he want what he calls "one on his team", but I think there are so many things he's imagined sharing with his son that he shared with his dad as a boy. And as much as I can claim that girls can be just as interested in cars and computers as boys, I can't deny that Emily will never really care all that much. She likes trucks and Star Wars because she can share these things with her dad, and not necessarily because they hold an intrinsic value to her. I'm also glad to be able to have a different experience with a boy than I had with Emily. Sons just don't have the same relationship with their moms as daughters do - some argue that it's better or easier, and I can't say, but it will be different.
Alas, although our options of names have been cut in half, we have yet to decide on one. I always kind of thought we'd wait until we met him or her to really choose a name, but I thought we'd at least be a little closer at this point. The best response I can get from Ian at this point on a name is "I don't hate it".
But there is one name. Before Ian and I had even seriously considered getting engaged, we were on campus having breakfast on one of Ian's visits. It was just after we had a difficult winter and that spring was a renewal of sorts for us. We were talking about baby names, obviously very abstractly, and I suggested one. Ian agreed that it was perfect. Since then, I've thought of our child as not only a boy, but with this paticular name. So, over the last year and a half, I've thought of the name as not only symbolic in terms of our relationship, but now that I'm pregnant, it also signifies that this baby was so wanted by both of us, so real, so long ago.
posted by Kate at 3:45 PM
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