"... And a Little Round Belly..." - 18 Weeks

Just in time for the holidays, I have my own bowl full of jelly. Ian was looking at me a few days ago, and he said "wow, you've really got a belly there", and he's right. All of a sudden I have this burgeoning belly that wasn't there before. Last night I laid in bed with my hands on my stomach, amazed at this science experiment going on in my body. I was also hoping a little that maybe the baby would choose that moment to introduce itself and give me a little kick or something - but alas, nothing to report, just some swishy sensation and that's it.

Yesterday I had another doctor's appointment. Ian finally got to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he really enjoyed. At this point I'm getting anxious about the doctor well before I'm actually in the office. I don't think there's anything I can do, my doctor is a small, soft-spoken, calm woman (and as she said "I don't even wear a white coat!"), so my fears are totally irrational. I think it may be partially based on the lack of control at the doctor's office - probably the same reason I'm not a big fan of flying. I'm a bit of a control freak, I confess. When I was younger, I would be in and out of the doctor's office and urgent care center for all kinds of injuries from playing soccer. It was great I could point to my foot and say "it hurts right there" and then explain how it happened. I was an active participant in the medical process. Now though, it seems like the doctors and nurses hold all the cards. They get all the tests back before I do, and have a much better idea of what's going on inside me than I do. My blood and urine can tell a better story of what's going on than I can verbally.

Also, we were disappointed because I thought they would want to do another sonogram to check on the cyst I have, but that will wait until I have the offical ultrasound test with the technician in three weeks. We are very anxious to find out the sex of this baby, not that we care either way, but we've been dying to know since we found out I was pregnant. I am less disappointed than I thought I would be that we didn't find out. I guess I figure that we have the rest of the baby's life to know whether to call it a him or her. This, in a way is a stage of mystery and limbo, where we rely on our feelings (I feel like it is a boy, but I've heard that intuition is wrong 50% of the time), and get to hear what other people think it might be based on weird things like what food's you're craving. Not that I'd want to endure 9 months of not knowing, this is just such a unique time of ambiguity, the world is full of instant messaging, cell phones, and microwaves. Some things can wait.

Mmmmm Cookies - 17 Weeks

There are a lot of things I love about Christmas - christmas trees, christmas lights, and best of all, christmas cookies. Emily and I made a ton of Christmas cookies this week - I'm not sure what came over me - luckily though I don't have many finals this year so at least it wasn't an attempt to procrastinate studying. I have this cookbook, it's a christmas cookbook, and it has some of the best cookie recipies in the world in it, so they all turned out great. But at this point I'm thinking of either boxing them up and giving them away as gifts or persuading Ian to take them to work.

Emily really liked making all the cookies, especially decorating the sugar cookies, but I'm afraid I got a little obsessive-compulsive about some of processes. Does it matter whether the cookies are compleatly covered with powdered sugar? Oh no, but did that stop me from waiting to do that until she was safely in bed? No again. That's one reason I think we should give them away (not only because we certainly don't need a couple dozen cookies around the house), these things are works of art!

And not to sound too food-obsessed or anything but another thing I have been absolutely addicted to lately is tea. I've always liked tea okay, you know, it sounds good sometimes if you dump a bunch of sugar and milk in there, but lately I've been a tea purist. Just gimme the hot water and tea bag, thanks. But I can see now why tea was the remedy for everything back before the age of modern medicine. Stuffy nose, gone; acid reflux, forget about it, lately whatever the problem is, tea is the solution. Also I figure as long as the tea is decaffinated, not full of sugar, and isn't one of those weird herbal healing teas, it's great.

I keep waiting to not feel so tired all the time, I am well into the second trimester, but I still fall into a comatose sleep anytime I'm near a couch or bed. I'm also patiently waiting to feel something move in there. Some sort of affirmation of tangable life. My doctor said that since the placement of the placenta is between the baby and me, it may not be until next week that I can even feel anything. Every once in a while I feel something, but it's not enough to say "aha! That is without a doubt, kicking" But I'm sure that later in this same journal, I'll be complaining about a foot lodged somewhere in my organs, so I guess you really can't win.

Next week Emily and are are returning back to the west side of the mountains for Christmas, which I am really looking forward to since we have not been back since August - for my friend's baby shower -and said baby is now four months old! I'm excited to see everyone, but unfortunately Ian has to work, so we won't see him very much. But there are still some of my friends over there that I haven't told yet. So they should be really suprised. I can't believe that at this time next year, little Peanut will be seven months old, probably crawling all over the place and driving me crazy. Right now though I feel like it's forever until May.

Iatrophobia - 16 Weeks

So I bought a blood pressure monitor to check myself at home and thus far I think I've been stressing about my blood pressure for no reason. The last few days it has been around 115/79, so armed with that info, I'm going back to the doctor and saying "See, it is you!". So what this means that instead of having a scary physical condition, I have some kind of weird psychological problem. Hmmm, don't know which I'd prefer.

Turns out I can label my problem. Iatrophobia is the fear of doctors and/or doctor visits, or I could have Lockiophobia, the fear of childbirth, or maybe Nosocomephobia, the fear of hospitals. It could be worse, I could have Xanthophobia, the fear of the color yellow or the world yellow.

It snowed on Tuesday this week, which was also the day I had a presentation for a class, and so I was wearing heels - which, by the way, is advised against during the entire duration of pregnancy - it made for a very interesting walk home. There's a walkway that goes down toward the hospital from the science library (those of you familiar with the campus might know what I'm talking about), that had turned into a bobsled track that day. Then, when I was walking past the Stephenson Complex dorms, I saw that a car had ended up on the stairs going down there, hanging off the ledge. I wouldn't have wanted to be that driver. Luckily I got studed tires on Wendsday, so I feel pretty good now.

The funny and pretty cute thing (to me at least) about all this is that all this has brought out Ian's protective side. On Tuesday, Emily and I went outside to go sledding - and we weren't out there more than an hour - and Ian had tried to call, aparently a few times. The phone was ringing as Emily and I were coming in the door, and It was Ian, thinking I fell on my way home or crashed the car.

In other news, I feel like I'm not as tired anymore, though I still passed out this afternoon while watching a movie. I'm also feeling a lot more hungry lately, and I'm enjoying food a lot. This morning Ian and I had a date at the European Waffle House, which serves the best breakfast in town (mmmm, fresh squeezed orange juice), and not only did I eat an entire plate of goulash (which is potatoes, onions, eggs, cheese, pepers, sasuage, and ham), I also ate a huge cinamon roll, dripping with cream cheese frosting. I ate more than Ian, but I figured most of it was pretty good for me - protein, dairy, veggies, potatoes, fruit - the cinamon roll was just one of those "indulgences" all the books say you should allow yourself. Though they usually call a yogurt smoothie an indulgence, but hey, let's be realistic. How many pregnant women out there are justifying a pint of Ben and Jerry's with the "Indulgence" clause?