The End - 40 Weeks

5/13/05
The due date comes and goes without incident. The phone is ringing off the hook (if you ever want to hear from anyone, just don't have a baby, and you'll have every person you know clammering on the other end of the telephone). Though I desperately want this to end, I'm not too sad my baby won't be born on Friday the Thirteenth.

5/14/05
Still nothing, I'd settle for false labor at this point, but the baby hasn't made a move and I'm not even haivng "practice" contractions anymore.

5/15/05
I wake up at 2:30 with contractions feeling a little different than they have been, which I take as a good sign. I wake Ian up as soon as I figure out that they're coming steadily every 15 minutes. He's excited and I'm able to bury my head in his chest and squeeze his arm everytime a contraction hits, but he falls asleep after a while and I'm able to stop watching the clock and sleep until 7.

At 7:00 I wake up, still feeling mild, but regular contractions and I continue to count the minutes between each one, driving myself crazy. I finally get up and shower after they start to come every 7 minutes or so. I can't help but contain my excitement, I keep thinking, I'm going to meet my son today! I go downstairs where my mom and Emily are cooking breakfast and I eat rasberry sorbet and drink a ginger ale, trying to stick to non-solids just in case, meanwhile my contractions slow back to the 10 minute mark. Discouraged, I go upstairs to rest and the contractions pick up agian gradually. I spend the next 4 hours lying in bed and staring at Ian's watch. Ian and I are both trying to keep ourselves occupied, but failing I'm miserably and keep picking up my copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting and flipping to the chapter on labor. So we decide to take a walk at the mall and drive off to Moscow.

At 4:30 we're driving to Moscow and I know it's been at least fifteen minutes since my last contraction. I stare out the car window and feel my eyes well up with tears. I'm so frusterated, I feel like this has gone on for weeks, with this paticular episode going on for over 12 hours, I'm exhausted, disappointed, and feeling like I'm failing at something I have no control over. Ian is able to cheer me up a bit as we walk around the mall, but it's a very small mall and we've seen everything in there 100 times. We're hungry, so we decide to head back to pullman and eat at Taco del Mar, hoping it's our "last" meal.

5/16/05
I wake up again at 7:30 with contractions approximately 6 minutes apart and I think they're close enough to call my doctor. I talk to the nurse, and she says to go ahead into the hospital. I tell Ian, call the hospital and run around the house packing last-minute things in our bags, hoping that we won't be sent back home.

9:30am
We're admitted to the hospital, I put on a lovely gown, and the labor and delivery nurse checks me. Unfortunately I'd only dialated 2cm at this point, and I was disapointed after having contractions for so long, I thought I might have been further along. But since they were planning on inducing me that evening, my doctor us the option of just staying to see if things progressed, and starting pitocin if it didn't. Ian and I make a futile attempt at walking the hallway, but it's a small hospital and a very small maternity ward, so it gets boring very quickly, the walking didn't help push things along, and contractions aren't getting any stronger or closer together. They start an IV of pitocin and I'm confined to the bed, hooked up to the moniters. It's not so bad, and the contractions start to come closer together, but are still very tolerable.

12:00
Ian and I are very bored. I had envisioned that labor would go quickly and I had not even thought to bring myself a novel. We occupy ourselves by flipping through the channels, and staying in touch with family. Ian reads the book he brought, and I spend most of my time staring at the moniter, watching the contractions get closer together, but not any stronger.

5:00pm
The doctor on call checks in and decides that I'm about 4cm or so, and decides to break my water to get things moving faster.

8:00pm
The contractions start to get a lot stronger, and I'm not really able to talk through them anymore.

9:45pm
I begin to wonder if it's too late for an epidural, and what the hell I was thinking trying to go through this without one. I squeeze Ian's hand through each contraction, but I'm comforted by the fact that finally the contractions are getting something done. But the doctor checks and says I'm about 6 or 7cm, and I can't imagine much longer like this.

10:15pm
Just a few contractions later I feel the urge to push and the nurse runs to fetch the doctor, who luckily isn't far away because with the next contraction I can feel my body pushing even though the doctor says to wait. He finally says it's okay to push, and I do, but I can't believe how much it hurts.
I close my eyes and I have no idea what's going on, all I can hear is Ian telling me to push harder - I find out later that the head was out, but the baby's shoulders were stuck.

10:27pm
I finally look down and our baby is in the doctor's hands, he looks blue and I ask if he's okay. The doctor says he's fine, just a little shocked after being born so fast. They take him over to the warming table. I look over at Ian and he has tears in his eyes. I can't believe our baby is finally here.

10:45pm
As the doctor works on putting me back together, Ian hands the baby to me, I can tell he's a big boy - 9 pounds and 20 inches long - and we decide to name him William Howard. The rest of the night is a blur. I remember Emily coming in while I nursed William for the first time, getting out of bed and limping to the bathroom, and lying next to Will as he made little squeaky noises all night. Ian slept on a pull out couch in the room, but he's never felt so far away, I just wanted it to be morning so we could go home and be together away from the noisy chaos of the hospital.

The next day we're allowed to leave, though everyone is shocked that we want to. After a two minute drive, we're home from what seems like an eternity away.

I hope all who have read this journal have enjoyed it as much as I have. It has given me an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings throughout the pregnancy, as well as a way to reflect on those early weeks. I've often looked back through the weeks, and now I can't help but think how it seems like just yesterday I was staring at the thin pink line. I can also say that now that I'm not pregnant, while it is so wonderful to feel like myself again, it was worth it, shocking, I know. But really, just to look at little Will's perfect round face, feel the weight of his little body in my arms, and smell his soft downy head, I really would do it all over again.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - 39 Weeks

How is it that just days ago when I wrote that last entry I was able to sound so optimistic? Maybe it was all the good feelings leftover from graduation, but at this point I don't think I can stand being pregnant one second longer. I decided to write this in hope that I won't have a chance to write on being pregnant on Friday - D-day.

All signs point to labor - intensifying Braxton-Hicks contractions, cramps, bachache - but everytime the contractions pick up and start to become regular, they stop again. I feel like an old car that will turn over when you put the key in, but won't actually start.

Last night as we were dozing off, contractions started coming every 20 minutes or so, and I really thought it might be it - so I laid there and watched the clock for hours, waking Ian everytime I had another one. Finally I fell asleep, figuring that if it really was labor, I better get some rest while I still could, then woke up at 3am with horrible stomach pain and vomiting. I continued to have some contractions, but compared to the stomach ache, were pretty mild. Not a good sign of impending labor. I'm still having terrible back pain, and Ian was very sweet and rubbed my back at 4am, but unfortunately he wasn't too pleased to head off to work this morning, exhausted, with me not having any significant contractions.

On Monday I had a doctor appointment and thanks to my blood pressure - which has been higher lately since I've been seeing different doctors at the practice - they'd like to induce me next Monday if I haven't gone into labor myself by that point. The doctor was trying to suggest it gently, leaving the decision mostly up to me, but the idea of knowing there is an end point was just too enticing, so I said yes. I can always change my mind, but it's comforting to know that it doesn't have to just go on indefinitely. I also had to do a non-stress test at the hospital, which actually was kind of cool. I got all set up in one of the rooms, hooked up to the monitors and I was able to see a fairly large contraction on the graph. The baby is still doing fine, which I knew anyway, but you know I was thinking maybe while I was on the monitors they would figure out that I was in labor, but my tolerance for pain was so high that I just didn't notice! Right. Well, at that point I was still optimistic.

My biggest fear is that with all these false-starts, when it really is the real thing, I'll miss it. Or worse - Ian won't believe me. I'm tempted to keep the signs and symptoms to myself to spare those around me - my mom is in town visiting as well, so she's just as anxious - but I guess there's nothing I can do but be patient - and walk, which I'll be doing a lot of.

The Point of No Return - 38 Weeks

I'm offically on maternity leave. Yesterday I attended my graduation, enormous belly intact. I feel like I can breath a huge sigh of relief, cause believe me, you haven't lived until you've taken finals in your 38th week of pregnancy. Nothing quite like throwing up, then putting the final touches on a ten page paper on border patrol, then taking a final on modern philosophy. Yep. But it's hard to be very discouraged since it's all over with. I was, however, I think so stressed about being sick the day of my graduation that I actually made myself sick. Luckily I got that all over with early on, and I was feeling like myself again in time to walk. In theory, I should be able to relax now and will stop throwing up, but I'm staying on the safe side and avoiding dairy altogether anyway.

So, now there's nothing to do but wait I guess. The house is clean and organized, the kids' room is just like I envisioned, I love it, and we even have the bassinet in our room. I took a walk while Emily rode her bike this evening - anything to get things moving along - but maybe I spent so much time worrying about this little guy coming early that he's probably going to just stay in there to spite me.

I can't believe I'm finally at the end of this pregnancy. It's both flown by and dragged on at the same time. I've certainly done my share of complaining, but in hindsight I guess I've had it pretty good. The utter exhaustion, the acid reflux, the vomiting, it's all been put in perspective now - and really it's much worse for many more people.

I keep trying to imagine what it will be like to not be pregnant anymore, and I really can't. In my head sometimes I have a hard time envisioning that this will actually end, and soon. I forget that one way or another the baby is getting out of there this month.

But I guess at this point I'll just keep waiting. My heart races everytime I wake up with a contraction in the middle of the night, or I start to have lower back pain. It's so exciting to think that at any second, things will be put into motion that will alter our lives forever. I know he'll come when he's ready, but it's so hard to wait because I'm so ready for him!

Das Auto ist Kaput - 37 Weeks

So, just when you think that graduation, finals week, and the imminent birth of our child is enough to deal with, life throws you another curve ball. On Wendsday this week, the "check engine" light came on in my car.

Really, it is my fault for not getting the car checked six months ago when the oil leak was getting bad - but in my defense the reason for the check engine light was not due to the quarts of oil spraying everywhere. Oh no, it's a seperate problem all together. I've said it before, I hate cars.

Besides the car trouble, which is utlimately okay because we're getting a lot of maintence done that we should have a while ago, I'm getting so excited about the impending birth, and I feel like we've really made it. There was a time when I questioned what I was thinking trying to take all of this on while finishing up my senior year. But I don't have to sit through one more class squeezed behind a desk. There have been times when I know I haven't put forth the effort in my classes that I usually would, but I'm graduating no matter what, and the baby is healthy, so really, what more could I want?

(Just Like) Starting Over - 36 Weeks

The end is in sight. We compleated our last birth class on Thrusday. I only have to waddle home from class five more times. I'm seeing my OB every week now. And it finally feels like spring.

I had to have another ultrasound this week since I had actually lost weight they wanted to check on the baby's growth. Turns out he's doing just fine, they're guessing that he's about seven pounds already - and the technician did a 3-D ultrasound, which was awesome. I could actually see the baby's eyes, which were open, and his big cheeks, he's pretty much going to be the cutest baby ever.

My doctors are really baffled about the whole throwing up thing though. Their suggestion? Take some pepcid and sleep with my head elevated. While I do have problems with indigestion, believe me, this is not that. So, for now I'm eating lots of veggies, munching on high-protein snacks, drinking soy milk (it's not bad, it's just not real milk), and really learning first hand how vigilant vegans are. I was grating some cheese for burritos this week, and I've never wanted a little pinch of freshly grated Tillamook cheese so much, argh! And nothing sounds sweeter than a nice long chug of milk straight from the carton. Mmmmmmmm, dairy.

Well, just a few more weeks of dairy deprevation, and this whole thing will hopefully resolve itself. I just have one more week of classes, then finals, then done! I can't imagine what it will be like to have my last undergraduate class... so weird, it seems in some ways like I just started. Although when I look at Emily it certainly seems like time has indeed passed. When I came to pullman she was just over a year old, still very much a baby, and now... well next week I'll be registering her for kindergarten. She's just such a big kid now, so much more than even last year when we were still having screaming tantrums (don't be fooled by the "terrible twos, it's a myth, watch out for the threes). Sometimes I think we're crazy for starting all over again, with Emily being so independent - but I suppose that will come in handy when I've got a newborn monopolizing all my time.

The biggest difference I've noticed so far between the first and second child is that you know you're not going to be stuck with a baby forever. I spent so much time with Emily focusing on the next milestone, the next month, the next anything. I especially wanted to be done with breastfeeding (which granted, I did for a very long time), but now I'm really looking forward to just enjoying this little guy's babyhood, even the bad parts, because it really does go by fast and before I know it, he'll be starting kindergarten.

But he will actually be here before I know it - all systems are go for takeoff, and if I do happen to go into labor now, that would be that. Not that I was worried, but with the whole fluid thing, the high blood pressure thing, and various other issues, I feel like we actually made it. We've rounded the corner and there actually is light at the end of the tunnel.

Rage Against the Pregnancy - 35 Weeks

I spoke too soon I guess. Friday I woke up with a return of the stomach pain and vomiting, this particular houseguest has definitely overstayed its welcome (as if it ever was welcome). I'm just at a loss and frusterated at this point, I feel so helpless that I don't know what is causing it or how to make it go away. At least with morning sickness you know what it is, how to try to prevent it, and that it goes away. But this? As far as I can tell the only thing that is going to stop it is delivery, which thankfully is very soon.

Ian did just have the suggestion that perhaps my stomach problems are due to anxiety, he said "you do have a lot going on right now", which actually made some sense after I thought about it. My stomach has always seemed very in tune with what's going on in my life - for instance, I spent the night after my brother was born throwing up, and I was all of five years old.

Last night at our childbirth class we learned about postpartum depression, which of course, I've heard lots about already. I know it's due to some hormonal imbalance, totally out of control of the mother, but really, it makes no sense to me. I am going to be so happy not to be pregnant anymore that whatever hormonal changes are occruing in my body after delivery will be easily outweighed by the sheer joy of having my body back. At least that's what I think at this point. I keep having people tell me how great I look for being nine months pregnant, and my response is usually "well I don't feel great". But I am begining to feel guilty for wanting this to be over with, I'm starting to feel like a bad mother to this baby already, which I expressed to Ian a few nights ago. He was able to point out that every other woman in our birth class was feeling the same way, which did make me feel better (or at least not as bad).

Also, did anyone ever notice the temptation to stare at pregnant women? If you do, please, for their sanity, don't. There's nothing like having someone blatently stare at you when you're already feeling like you're as big as a house to really put you over the edge. Odly enough this happens more to me out in public than, say, on campus. At school I think most of these kids go out of their way to not notice me. I've only had one classmate actually ask when I was due - and she was actually also a "non-traditional" student probably about ten years older than me, so there you go.

And speaking of things putting me over the edge, I'm convinced that there's this hormone that hasn't been discovered yet called "rage hormone". I think it may be correlated with road-rage, but it's probably found in pregnant women most often. And here's the funny thing - the thing that brings it out in me is the wind. Thrusday I was walking home and it was soooo cold and windy, I literally couldn't stand it. Now, is this a normal thing to get angry about? No, so that's why I think it's related to this rage hormone - because it makes no sense. By the time I got home I was at the point where nothing is right - you know the mail key doesn't fit right, the neighbor's car is parked too close to mine, my hair is blowing everywhere, I'm hungry, thirsty, and have to pee like a race horse. Luckily (for probably everyone driving in town at about 12:15 on Thrusday afternoon) I went in the house, put on my Mp3 player, and just chilled out for about 5 minutes before leaving to pick up Emily from school.

Sometimes it feels like all I do is rant on this journal, and it does probably make up 80% of my posts, but I guess in about five weeks, when I've got a slug of a newborn latched on to me 24/7, I'll start to feel nostalgic for this wonderful, magical, prenatal period. At that point I'll be able to look back and think "Ha! What was I thinking? I'll take the colic, the spit-up, the explosive newborn poop, and the bleary-eyed nights over being pregnant for one more second."

But mostly, (and shhhh, don't tell anyone) for all the complaining, I have no doubt that I'd do it over again ten times just to have my little boy.

Dairy and Delusions - 34 Weeks

I think I figrued out what was causing all the throwing up, although I had been starting to think it may be milk or some kind of dairy-related problem last week and I had cut back on the milk (which is painful, I love milk, it's my favorite beverage), Ian volunteered to make a blizzard run Sunday night, and I stupidly ate one. I'm a glutton for punishment I guess because low and behold, by Monday morning my stomach was in knots - you know the feeling where throwing up is actually appealing if only it would make the pain stop.

I had a doctor's appointment that day, so as the nurse was taking my blood pressure (which has been super, by the way) I asked if she'd ever heard of anyone developing lactose intolerance during pregnancy. You know what's awesome? When one of your health care providers acts like you're some kind of deranged idiot. She replied, "um, usually people know if they're lactose intolerant before that". Duh. My doctor wasn't really more helpful, just suggested I take some Pepcid before bed. See, I guess there are too many variables during pregnancy to really figure out this problem, which makes sense, but for the time being I'm staying away from milk and most other dairy products to be on the safe side. I don't think my calcium intake will be a problem thanks to the good people at TUMS.

Also, when they weighed me at the office I had lost four pounds from two weeks ago. Luckily they're not concened about that, the baby is doing fine and growing and everything, but I really don't know what I could do to gain weight. I'm not a small person, and I eat pretty much whatever I feel like, which is sufficient enough to be on the right track, so I just don't understand it.

And speaking of eating, the thing I'll probably miss most after graduating is the blueberry muffins they sell at the coffee stand on campus. Yum. But all the deadlines are rapidly approaching - both in school and with this pregnancy. Just fifteen days of class left - that's three weeks for those of you not counting down the days. I only wish I had that kind of certainty with the baby. Early this morning I woke up forone of my many nightly batrhoom trips, and in some crazy state between sleep and awake, I thought my water had broke. I am known for being a bit wacky when I've been asleep. Once when Ian was coming home late and I had been asleep, and I asked him where my brother was, because I thought he was with Ian. I also had a dream last night about nursing the baby, which was really nice. I still can't imagine what it will be like to actually meet this baby, this little piece of me and Ian. I can't wait to see what his personality will be like and what he looks like. I'm picturing brown eyes, a little bit of light brown hair, and a very round little face. But then, I have always been a sucker for men with brown eyes.

Epidurals, Vaccums, and IVs, Oh My! - 33 Weeks

At birth class last night we learned all kinds of fun stuff - most of which I want nothing to do with. Did you know that for internal monitering of the baby during labor they use what can only be described as a cork-screw that they literally screw into the baby's scalp. Wow. No wonder they all come out crying. One minute you're floating around, all warm and cozy. The next minute some one's screwing a wire into your head - or worse. Poor little guys. I've also decided that I'm strongly opposed to getting an epidural at this point (still leaving the option open though, you never know). Nothing about that whole business sounds like a good time. I'd rather deal with a contraction than things like needles being inserted into my spine.

I don't really understand why, in 2005, a normal birth is still treated like a medical condition. Sure if there are complications, it's great to know that we have all this wonderful technology, believe me I wouldn't have wanted to give birth 100 years ago. But why, if I'm fully capable of eating ice chips or whatever, is it standard practice to have an IV? Thank goodness for birth plans.

Okay, enough with the soapbox. The class is pretty informative, and the nurse who teaches it is just wonderful. The women in the class are due both before and after me, so I'm really envious of the two due on May 3rd and 5th. I was hoping in signing up for the class that we'd meet another couple - since everyone moved out of pullman last spring (and by everyone, I mean Sara and Cameron). But it doesn't look like that will be the case. It's not that we're very interesting, believe me, look I'm posting on 9:30 on a Friday night, it's just that the rest of the people in the class are just that boring.

In baby news, we finally got the crib put together, and it looks great, things are slowly coming together. Right now Peanut seems to have slowed down with the monster kicks, he gets the hiccups a lot, which do tend to get annoying when I'm sitting in class. Sometimes there'll be this lump sticking out of my stomach, it must be a foot, or a knee? It's hard to tell, but it's strange to press down and actually feel him push back. Then there's his new trick of wedging some limb under my ribcage, and he's pretty strong so it kind of hurts. I can't really blame him though, I have a hard time getting comfortable these days too.

Third Trimester Blues - 32 Weeks

It snowed today. Not that any stuck around or anything, but it certainly made me long for the flip-flop weather of two weeks ago. Adding insult to injury, I grabbed my winter coat this morning and realized that it is no longer comfortable if I want it zipped up. Urgh. At least Ian's fits me... for now.

At my doctor's appointment this week, I had another sonongram to measure the amniotic fluid, which had decreased significantly since last time, which is good news. The downside to the doctor visits lately and having to deal with what may have been a problem is that since there are three doctors at this practice that would potentially be on call when I go into labor, I've been having to see a different doctor at each visit. They're all very nice, but I'm not really in the mood to play "Hi, my name is..." at this point, and honestly I don't think I'll care who's playing catch when the time comes.

But basically everything is going pretty well - aside from constantly feeling like I pulled both of my groin muscles and my mid-week puking sessions. Yeah, that's my latest trick. Aparently since I missed out on that whole morning-sickness thing, yes Alex, I'll take violent puking in the middle of the night during the thrid trimester for $500. And the answer is: these little red spots appear all over Kate's face after she's puked. What is bloken blood vessels? Yes! And you've won three days of applying concealer with a putty knife until those nasty little buggers fade away. But look on the bright side - everyone tells you how tan you look.

Guess who's had enough of being pregnant? I think I'm at this terrible point where I'm just very, very pregnant, but the end is nowhere in sight. In another three weeks I'm sure I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. Until then, misery loves company - Peanut's got the hiccups, and from the feel of things, he's not enjoying them one bit - poor guy, I know how he feels.

Spring Showers - 31 Weeks

It's finally offically spring, though it's felt like it for the last month, and I can almost count the days until little peanut's arrival. I'm now in that stage that's almost unimaginable early in pregnancy - between the baby shower and the due date, I can't believe it! I also can't believe the amount of gifts I brought home from the shower, I had the car so packed that I couldn't even see out the back window for the drive home (something I don't particularly recommend).

But the shower was wonderful. I got to see a lot of old family friends I haven't seen in years, and though it was difficult to really visit with anyone for any substantial amount of time, everyone seemed really happy to be there and included in welcoming our baby. Ian's stepmom did a beautful job decorating and I think (I hope!) everyone had a good time. My family was there - though we were vastly outnumbered by Ian's family - some friends, and some of my mom's friends from her work. So many people were so thoughtful and took the of time to travel there, it was really great.

I spent the whole week at my mom's for spring break, which was also a blast. It goes by so fast, and we were so busy. We went to Vashon Island to search (in vain) for a paticular kind of baby sling, but I enjoyed seeing the island where I spent many summers at camp, and it hasn't really changed in the last fifteen years. Emily and I also got a chance to visit some friends who have relocated from Pullman to Seattle. Her friend, Maddie, has a little brother turning two right around our baby's due date (another school year baby), and I can't believe he's such a toddler now, it's so easy to forget at this point that this little guy will be walking around and talking at some point.

All in all, it was a great trip, but it felt so weird driving back and thinking that it's my last time making the trip with only one kid. It's been nice getting things put away in the kids' room and settling in. I'm also renting my cap and gown this week - it feels like time is quickly running out, but as I sit here I can see the baby's foot (or elbow or knee) trace along my stomach, a significant difference from the kicks I felt just weeks ago, and I feel like he's getting ready to stretch out a bit. So, with the arrival of spring, time is quickly running out, but I think we're ready for whatever it may bring.

My Worst Nightmare - 30 Weeks

I hate maternity pants. Hate them. I have this pair that are adorable except for the last five inches of elastic that are supposed to allow room for my expanding girth. I'm sorry, but $*%& that. I spend half the time I'm wearing them pulling them up and worrying about whether other people can see a) the pannel; b) that the very visible elastic waist is actually at my belly button; or c) the long useless drawstring. Seriously, a drawstring? Is this what's supposed to keep them from falling down? Because anything cinched around my waist at this point is like chinese water torture. In hindsight, low rise with elastic would have done the trick - not the flipping elastic pannel. All I can say is that maternity stores should have a test-drive feature, because you honestly never know what's going to work for you. My friend told me that the high-waisted pants were the only ones that would stay on, and beleive me, this is not a time when you want to be even the slightest bit more uncomfortable than you have to. Okay there's my rant for the week.

So, back a few posts ago I mentioned that when my doctor has been measuring my uterus, it's a bit big for how far along I am. So I had another sonogram this week and they figured out it's because there is more amniotic fluid than there is supposed to be in there. This could mean one of several things - There's a 60% chance that it's nothing, and there's no explanation, the second most likely reason is it could be gestational diabetes (even though I passed the test), or a scary genetic defect of some kind in the baby. Now I know they have to tell you that last one - but really, which of those scenarios is the most likely? That it's nothing. Which am I dwelling on? That it's a scary genetic defect. Our ages make that even less likely, blah blah blah, I'm not one to play statistics, out of 100 people it has to happen to someone. Nothing to do at this point but wait and see, but even though I wasn't exactly sailing through this pregnancy problem-free, it definitely casts a shadow over everything.

Mostly I'm terrified of being put on bed rest or something (knock on wood). I never really put much thought into the fact that I'll be taking finals in my 38th week and graduating in my 39th week. As a rule we don't have babies early in my family, and even Emily was a week late. I figured I'd be good and ready to be rid of this baby by the time came, getting a week and a half off before the due date to tie up any loose ends around the house and you know, be well rested, packed, stocked up on groceries, and caught up with all the laundry when the big moment comes. I hate, no not a strong enough word, abhor coming home to a dirty house after being gone, and I shudder to think of bringing our baby home to piles of laundry and a sink full of dishes, then trying to catch up while recovering from delivery and caring for a newborn. And if I had been placed on bed rest before going into labor? Egads!

But most likely all this worring is for nothing - the odds are in my favor that everything will go as planned and turn out just fine. I Can't really help worring though, it's just my nature.

On the more lighter side, at this time tomorrow, I'll offically be on Spring Break - my last one as an undergrad. I'm very excited for a break from all this worrying and nesting and what not. Also, the really really positive thing about the whole amniotic fluid thing is that I get to have more ultrasounds, which I always enjoy.

Nesting? - 29 Weeks

Yesterday we had our first lesson in "Childbirth 101". It was actually very informative, and I think it will really be helpful when the big moment comes. We practiced breathing exercises and labor positions, and we also heard from a nutritionist, which I especially enjoyed, and then I spent today counting the number of servings of vegetables, fruits, grains, etc... I ate. I didn't do too bady - I definitely have the fruit group covered - not that I was too worried. I've taken Food Science here at WSU, so I'm not totally ignorant to the fact that a blizzard doesn't exactly count as a "dairy" product (probably more likely falls in that top triangle). So I don't know which is worse - being oblivious to nutrition or actually knowing what is good for me and chosing what isn't. Ah well, at this point I've gained 9 pounds, which is pretty decent for this stage, so I can't be doing too much wrong.

It was really great to spend time with Ian in the birth class focusing on the baby. It's so easy to get wrapped up in just going from day to day, I forget that there is an end - a very painful end, but still. I'm also very happy to have Ian for my birth coach, as much grief as he gives me, I think when I need him, he'll be amazing. I don't know if it's come accross in this journal, but I'm not the most calm person in the world (which may or may not have something to do with my blood pressure spike at the doctor), in fact, I can be wound up pretty tight. Ian was very good with helping keep my breathing slow and steady while we were practicing. He's my rock.

I'm happy to report that the "nesting instinct" has finally kicked in. I spent last weekend clearing out the dining room closet and bringing in Emily's baby things I've saved in storage. Today I cleaned out Emily's room and made room for the crib (amazingly everything fits!). It's hard to explain, this impulse to organize - I think I can now imagine how a person with OCD feels - it's like this constant nagging in the back of my mind, I don't have to be looking at it to have it bother me that it needs to be done. Ahh, but I can finally put the nagging to rest for the moment. The crib isn't set up, but there's room for it, the newborn outfits are awaiting their owner in the dresser, and there are presently no choking hazards in the kids' room (that is truely an amazing feat, trust me).

At this point I'm just counting down the weeks - not exactly the zen-ness I was talking about just a few weeks ago, but I can't help it. Sometimes when the baby is kicking, I really feel like there's a person in there, shifting to get comfortable, or doing some uniquely newborn movement, and I just can't wait to actually see him. Next week Emily will be headed to the other side of the Mountains for Spring Break, and my mom is throwing a baby shower, so that will be lots of fun. After that I'll have nothing to look forward to do but graduation and then the baby's arrival - hopefully in that order.

The Final Third - 28 Weeks

I've found myself caught up in all this beautiful weather we've been having lately. Totally uncharacteristic of Pullman, or even Washington for that matter, we've had a record number of days with clear skies and sunshine - and not the horrid windy cold clear days of winter, but genuine warmth radiating from the sky. Sure it's still way below freezing at night, and poor Ian has to do battle with the layers of ice that are on his car every morning (Thank goodness for remote start, which was my Christmas gift from Ian this year), but by noon, there's that hint of spring in the air. Crazy, I know it's only February, and probably haven't seen the last of the snow this year, but wow, it's just been so nice!

The arrival of Spring is really making me anticipate both graduation and the baby being born. Maybe it's instinct or something, you know, springtime, new beginings, but I can't believe in only 10 weeks he could be here. Despite my constant complaining, this pregnancy has really flown by.

Actually today I began to notice some Braxton-Hicks contractions, which is weird, not painful, but just slightly uncomfortable. Ian said it was because I'm getting practice in for the "monster baby" - he's anticipating a 10 pounder. I'd be just fine with a nice average size, you know 8 pounds or so - I have no doubt the baby will be larger - but really, 10 pounds? I'd like to avoid nasty things like episiotomies, thank you very much. Most medical things I'm fine with - broken bones, surgery, blood (as long as it's not in a movie), all of that I actually think is kind of cool - but a episiotomy? But then there's worse - there's tearing. Odly enough I'm not afraid of labor - I'm even planning on trying to go without an epidural, but oh god, this baby better not have a large head. And at this point, those of you who know Ian are having a pretty good laugh. Oy.

On to less disgusting topics - I passed my glucose screen, which is good. Everything is looking really good, my blood pressure is at a record low, around 106/72 on average. Overall I'd say so far the third trimester is looking much better than the last two. I'm feeling much better - except for the acid reflux, which has been pretty constant throughout the pregnancy - I have a little more energy during the day. So except for the fact that I feel enormous now, things are pretty good (knock on wood).

It's a Zen Thing - 27 Weeks

It's getting a little squished in there. My stomach can only hold about half its normal capacity - so there go any perks like eating as much as I want. Oh, technically I still could, but I'd pay for it - and no amount of antacids are going to help. They say that the baby gains around a half a pound a week at this point. I can just imagine him in there, confused, thinking, "Is it me or is it getting smaller in here? Just last week I could strech out and now... hmmm, maybe if I kick a little harder... now I swear the walls are closing in! Ahhhh, lemme out of here!"

Or maybe he doesn't care. I, for one, can't wait to be the only one occupying my body again. Just to be able to take a deep breath or empty my bladder compleately would be heaven at this point. Seriously, heaven. Pregnancy definitely makes you appreciate those little things, so I guess that's a positive way to look a this.

I find at times I do look at all of this the wrong way. I think I'm one of those people who really focus too much on tomorrow without taking the time to enjoy today. Perhaps its the nature of college life, existing in a state of limbo. And although I do look forward to meeting this little guy, tying my own shoes, and generally not being pregnant anymore, my goal for the next twelve weeks is to enjoy just what is. I read a journal on Babycenter.com called Bringing up Ben and Birdy, which is where I got the idea for this journal, and the author was writing about a philosophy called 'mindful parenting'. Basically the central idea is that " Perhaps we would hold our moments differently. Perhaps they would not slip by so unnoticed, so unused, so filled up by us with busyness or diversions". And who can deny that is a much better way of looking a things.

Weird Science - 26 Weeks

Okay, so at one point or another probably every mother-to-be believes she is carrying a little baby octopus rather than a human fetus. This week I started to feel movements beyond what I think any normal baby could possibly do - floating in amniotic fluid or not. Up by my ribcage there was, what had to be, some kind of flip turn, followed by three hard punches down on my left side. Basically what the books say is "don't worry, everything's normal", not that I'm too worried, but if it felt like somone was trying to jack-hammer their way out of your womb, you'd have some cause for concern.

In other news, we had a doctor's appointment this week. Nothing too unusual, the ultrasound looked fine (which I figured, since I hadn't heard otherwise yet), except when my doctor measured the height of the fundus, she said it was measuring at about twenty eight weeks. What?! Wait, wait, wait, lets back up a bit, 28 weeks? Odly enough my first thought wasn't 'Oh no, that puts my due date somewhere in the middle of finals week', it was actually 'You mean I could be done with this sooner that I thought? Score!'. Unfortunately, or fortunately I suppose, I raised my concerns and my doctor said that measuring can be off about two weeks, and since the ultrasound, which is far more accurate, put the due date almost exactly where it's been, there's no reason to worry - the baby might just be on the larger side - or not - it's really just not that accurate. Yep, glad we're on the cutting edge of modern medicine here in Pullman.

The good news is that I'm really looking pregnant finally - what, it's only the thrid trimester? Maternity clothes are just about all I can wear now, that is if I want to be comfortable. And I'm now sleeping with a pillow wedged under my immense girth. I woke up a few mornings ago with pillows on each side of me, and poor Ian shoved over in the corner (not that he usually gets that much room, but anyway).

Ah, and guys while you're in edge of the bed exile - here are some words of advice I've thought of recently:
1. If your wife / singificant other is expecting, compliment her, even if she looks like crap. I got a few spring maternity outfits when I was in Portland, and Ian's been really sweet about telling me how nice I look and how cute my clothes are, which has made me want to look even nicer.
2. Hands on the belly. Ian's always got his hands on my stomach, and then worries that it bothers me. The only thing that bothers me is that I'm going to miss all the attention after the baby is born.
3. Let her sleep. This morning I woke up around 8, ate breakfast, laid back down to read a magazine, and promptly fell back asleep - and slept until noon. One word: Bliss.
4. Don't act like like things going on - or about to happen - with her body are straight out of Weird Science. Suprisingly, it's not all that helpful or encouraging - we're still working on this one.

I'll probably add more as I think of them. Until then, I'll continue to be pummeled from the inside by Jr - I hope he gets it out of his system and is a calm, easy-going baby - somehow I don't think I'll be that lucky.

In a Van Down by the River - 25 Weeks

This weekend I'm going to Portland with my school's mock trial team for a regional competition. The good news is that we're taking a van so I don't have to drive. The bad news is that we're taking a van. I don't know if spending seven hours with seven other people in a van sounds like a lot of fun to anyone else, but it's not exactly my idea of a good time. I remember back when I was in junior high, I went on a lot of road trips to go river rafting with a summer camp. At the time, we all thought waving obscene signs out the back window and singing along to American Pie about 100 tmies was great fun. Meanwhile the counslers must have wanted to shoot themselves.

Ah, but let us not forget that Portland is in Oregon, and Oregon has no sales tax! It gets better - my mom is coming down to Portland from the Seattle area to watch our trials, but I'm sure we'll get some major shopping in as well. I started a box for Peanut's things after Christmas, and it's now overflowing thanks to sales (I just had to buy this Columbia bunting, it will be perfect next winter, and probably twice the price next fall), and friends sending things like homemade blankets and extra brest pumps. Someone really ought to clean out some things around here so we can start finding a space for the baby. Believe me, it's a good thing newborns don't really occupy too much territory. Unfortunately it's all the stuff they need that does. I don't even want to think about where the crib will go. At this point I think laws of physics will not allow for a twin bed and a crib fit in Emily's room.

I'm sure that nesting instinct will kick in any time now, and I'll be hauling all Emily's things in from storage, and maybe I'll even get the Christmas decorations back into storage. We'll see.

Fitting In and Filling Out - 24 Weeks

Okay, so I'm taking a one credit biology class - It's called current issues in biology or something - and this week we learned about reproduction. Seriously. I wanted to raise my hand and say "Yeah, got it. Can I be excused?" The first chapter of every one of my pregnancy books covered more than we did in class - but then again it was only an hour class. My professor did say something I found interesting and pretty amusing - when it comes to reproduction, you're either on one side of the fence or the other - trying to do it or trying to aviod it. Pretty profound eh?

So I get these weekly updates in my email from Babycenter. They're somewhat interesting bits if info about the baby's development and some random pregnancy tips like "If you're craving chocolate, just grab a handful of chocolate cereal to satisfy that craving while taking in important nutrients". Um, please give me a break, if I want chocolate, give me a damn chocolate bar or ice cream. That will satisfy my craving. But anyway, this is what it said in my pregnancy newsletter this week: "You're getting bigger by the minute, but that's no reason to stop exercising — just modify your routine as your body changes". Um, yeah. I am definitely getting bigger by the minute, but here's my exercise routine:

Monday, Wendsday Friday: After gazing longingly at the elevator, walk up stairs to fourth floor of Bryan Hall once at 9:00am then again at 11:00. Feel winded and swear to use the elevator next time.

Let us not also forget the brisk walk down a gradual slope home after class Monday thru Friday. Ah, and the art of squeezing myself behind the desks in Todd Hall - surely that counts for something?

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem - which I guess I haven't got to yet. Although the desks fold down in Todd, so I could just write with my notebook in my lap, I can't seem to bring myself to do that. Geeze I'm not really to that point yet am I? And I suppose there will be a time when the baby is squeezing my lungs so much that the elevator will be the best choice if I don't want to spend half of class hyperventilating. But for now I remain in denial, trying not to stand out, but at the same time, enjoying the attention I do get.

For instance, I'm on my school's mock trial team, and now everyone officially knows about my condition (oy, that word, it's like I have a disease or something). Other than making some of the younger team members feel like I'm really old, it's been nice. I get pats on my tummy, and everyone asks how I'm doing. We had a competition last weekend in Spokane and it was the first time I wore an outfit that really showed off my belly out of the house. It was liberating in a way to be around all these students from different schools - and to fit in on my own terms.

So I guess at some point in the near future I'll have to take that elevator and keep the desk folded down. But for now, it's okay to want to just be like everyone else, and enjoy being different at the same time.

Baby Love - 23 Weeks

To anyone who has ever been pregnant before - ever wonder if people look at you and just think you're fat? Since I have yet to fill out the maternity clothes my mom and I got in October, my wardrobe consists of one pair of loose jeans and some baggy sweaters and sweatshirts. I'm just afraid that if I actually wore something tight, people would mistake me for flaunting the freshman 20 (and really, there's enough of that as it is).

But with all the negative aspects to pregnancy out there, the part I'm really enjoying is feeling little Mr. Peanut kick. It's funny how not that long ago I hadn't felt anything, then all of a sudden, wham! This little guy is kicking field goals in there. It seems like he favors kicking my bladder when I'm sitting, which is not the most pleasant sensation when I'm in class, but hey, I never thought this semester would be easy.

Last night I had a return of crazy pregnancy dreams. I dreamt that I was at the hospital, when my doctor asked if I'd rather have a c-section. For some reason I said yes, and I remember Ian being really bewildered by the whole thing. The next thing I knew I was lying on a table, unable to move from the neck down, and thinking "wait, isn't this a bit early to be having the baby?", since I was at 23 weeks still. Now, I know that modern medicine has allowed babies born at this stage to survive, which is quite amazing, but I couldn't figure out why my baby needed to be born. I woke up feeling a little disturbed, but also sad that I didn't get to meet him.

I can't believe how far this pregnancy has come in the last weeks. I've really gone from just feeling uncomfortable to really feeling like there is an end to all this (not that I don't still feel uncomfortable), and I can't wait to see my little boy. It's so real for me that I can almost feel him in my arms and smell his little head with soft downy hair. I can even imagine loving him as much as I already love Emily - and it was pretty hard to picture that happening at all just a few months ago.

It's a Boy - 22 Weeks

How does one reflect on the gender of one's child? After writing the title of this entry, I stared blankly at the screen (then at the floor, then at the desk, then at my can of pineapple juice). After so many months of not knowing, it was summed up in a few seconds at the doctor's office, clear as day, without question. A boy. It may sound like I'm in shock or disappointed that it is a boy, but it's just the shock of actually knowing it's one or the other. This little being now has more of an identity, is becoming more and more real every day. I keep catching myself saying "it", and it feels so weird to say he.

We are both so excited that it is a boy, though I would have been happy either way. Ian, I think, is even more excited because not only did he want what he calls "one on his team", but I think there are so many things he's imagined sharing with his son that he shared with his dad as a boy. And as much as I can claim that girls can be just as interested in cars and computers as boys, I can't deny that Emily will never really care all that much. She likes trucks and Star Wars because she can share these things with her dad, and not necessarily because they hold an intrinsic value to her. I'm also glad to be able to have a different experience with a boy than I had with Emily. Sons just don't have the same relationship with their moms as daughters do - some argue that it's better or easier, and I can't say, but it will be different.

Alas, although our options of names have been cut in half, we have yet to decide on one. I always kind of thought we'd wait until we met him or her to really choose a name, but I thought we'd at least be a little closer at this point. The best response I can get from Ian at this point on a name is "I don't hate it".

But there is one name. Before Ian and I had even seriously considered getting engaged, we were on campus having breakfast on one of Ian's visits. It was just after we had a difficult winter and that spring was a renewal of sorts for us. We were talking about baby names, obviously very abstractly, and I suggested one. Ian agreed that it was perfect. Since then, I've thought of our child as not only a boy, but with this paticular name. So, over the last year and a half, I've thought of the name as not only symbolic in terms of our relationship, but now that I'm pregnant, it also signifies that this baby was so wanted by both of us, so real, so long ago.

Rounding Second - 19, 20, & 21 Weeks

'Tis the Season
It feels a little weird to be writing agian, after being gone so long. Christmas was a pretty hectic time, I spent it mostly shopping, visiting family, and catching up on movies. Ian and I put quite a few miles on my car driving back and forth from his dad's to my mom's but other than never having a comfortable bed and me being sick, Christmas was great. Ian, Emily, and I spent the entire time together, which is what was most important, and we also saw a lot of our families.

And although families are great, on Cristmas day Ian and I were able to spend the evening with our friends, Sara and Cameron, playing 90's Trivial Pursuit, which was a blast. Sara and Cameron just had their son, Evan, in September, so we got to expereince them trying to console poor Evan while answering questions. I remember being so frusterated by that kind of thing when Emily was a baby. You know, when you just want to eat / take a shower / have a five minute conversation and the baby is not going to allow that kind of nonsense.

But as I began doing a little baby shopping while I was back - all in yellow and green - I found myself looking at these little tiny t-shirts and just aching for our baby to be here. I picture myself scooping him or her up in my arms in these little outfits, and it all seems so real.

Good Friends
On New Year's Eve, Ian and I celebrated three years together. It was extremely laid back, in comparison to the night we met, but that is definitely where we and our friends are at this stage. We drove up to Arlington to visit Sara and Cameron at their new house. Cameron's brother and his wife were there and we had a nice evening playing, 90's Trivial Pursuit and Ian got to see 'Napoleon Dynamite', which he spent the next week quoting. The highlight for me was that Sara bought me an O'Doul's, since I've been craving beer since I thought I might be pregnant. We made it until about 12:10 and then promptly went to bed.

The next morning Ian and I drove further north to Anacortes, where Ian spent a lot of his childhood, and visited his cousins. It is so beautiful up there, we decided that if we ever had to move back to Western Washington, we would have to live there. Then we went even further north up to Bellingham to visit Brian and Jen. We had a lovely dinner and got to stay at this beautiful resort in Blaine, which is right on the Canadian border. It's located on a penninsula so it's surrounded by water, and the hotel itself is just breathtaking. We gave ourselves a tour that night and wandered into the bar, which is worth mentioning because the entire back of the drink menu was non-alcoholic. Jackpot! Though I ordered a wonderful-sounding grapefruit seltzer combo, it immediately gave me acid reflux. Pretty much everything does these days, so I don't know what I was thinking. It was a fantastic trip, and it was wonderful to get away with Ian before the baby is born.

The Pitter-Patter of Little Feet
On the baby front, I have felt some movements finally. A little after we got back from our trip, Ian was even able to feel the baby kick a little. It's very exciting and reassuring to feel it move in there.
I can't wait to see what this little baby looks like and what it's personality is like. I've kind of figured out a pattern to the kicking, but it's so hard to tell at this point.

The Happiest Place on Earth
Finally, the last week we spent in California at Disneyland (you see now why I haven't updated the journal in a while). We went with my mom and brother, and it was a blast. Even though it rained a lot, the highlight for me was seeing Disneyland through Emily's eyes. Ian also seemed to have a great time, for such a tough guy, he sure loves Disneyland (don't tell anybody though). We also had a chance to make a stuffed animal for the baby at one of those build a bear workshops. It's the softed rabbit in the whole world and Ian and I had a lot of fun making it. We also had a wonderful dinner at this Italian resturant with what Ian claims to be "the best beer in the world" so I'm very disappointed for missing out on that one.



All in all, vacation was great, but we're all glad to be home, and in what feels like the home stretch of the pregnancy. With all the movement, and my expanding girth, I really am feeling pregnant, but also excited to be in the second half - only 19 weeks to go!

"... And a Little Round Belly..." - 18 Weeks

Just in time for the holidays, I have my own bowl full of jelly. Ian was looking at me a few days ago, and he said "wow, you've really got a belly there", and he's right. All of a sudden I have this burgeoning belly that wasn't there before. Last night I laid in bed with my hands on my stomach, amazed at this science experiment going on in my body. I was also hoping a little that maybe the baby would choose that moment to introduce itself and give me a little kick or something - but alas, nothing to report, just some swishy sensation and that's it.

Yesterday I had another doctor's appointment. Ian finally got to hear the baby's heartbeat, which he really enjoyed. At this point I'm getting anxious about the doctor well before I'm actually in the office. I don't think there's anything I can do, my doctor is a small, soft-spoken, calm woman (and as she said "I don't even wear a white coat!"), so my fears are totally irrational. I think it may be partially based on the lack of control at the doctor's office - probably the same reason I'm not a big fan of flying. I'm a bit of a control freak, I confess. When I was younger, I would be in and out of the doctor's office and urgent care center for all kinds of injuries from playing soccer. It was great I could point to my foot and say "it hurts right there" and then explain how it happened. I was an active participant in the medical process. Now though, it seems like the doctors and nurses hold all the cards. They get all the tests back before I do, and have a much better idea of what's going on inside me than I do. My blood and urine can tell a better story of what's going on than I can verbally.

Also, we were disappointed because I thought they would want to do another sonogram to check on the cyst I have, but that will wait until I have the offical ultrasound test with the technician in three weeks. We are very anxious to find out the sex of this baby, not that we care either way, but we've been dying to know since we found out I was pregnant. I am less disappointed than I thought I would be that we didn't find out. I guess I figure that we have the rest of the baby's life to know whether to call it a him or her. This, in a way is a stage of mystery and limbo, where we rely on our feelings (I feel like it is a boy, but I've heard that intuition is wrong 50% of the time), and get to hear what other people think it might be based on weird things like what food's you're craving. Not that I'd want to endure 9 months of not knowing, this is just such a unique time of ambiguity, the world is full of instant messaging, cell phones, and microwaves. Some things can wait.

Mmmmm Cookies - 17 Weeks

There are a lot of things I love about Christmas - christmas trees, christmas lights, and best of all, christmas cookies. Emily and I made a ton of Christmas cookies this week - I'm not sure what came over me - luckily though I don't have many finals this year so at least it wasn't an attempt to procrastinate studying. I have this cookbook, it's a christmas cookbook, and it has some of the best cookie recipies in the world in it, so they all turned out great. But at this point I'm thinking of either boxing them up and giving them away as gifts or persuading Ian to take them to work.

Emily really liked making all the cookies, especially decorating the sugar cookies, but I'm afraid I got a little obsessive-compulsive about some of processes. Does it matter whether the cookies are compleatly covered with powdered sugar? Oh no, but did that stop me from waiting to do that until she was safely in bed? No again. That's one reason I think we should give them away (not only because we certainly don't need a couple dozen cookies around the house), these things are works of art!

And not to sound too food-obsessed or anything but another thing I have been absolutely addicted to lately is tea. I've always liked tea okay, you know, it sounds good sometimes if you dump a bunch of sugar and milk in there, but lately I've been a tea purist. Just gimme the hot water and tea bag, thanks. But I can see now why tea was the remedy for everything back before the age of modern medicine. Stuffy nose, gone; acid reflux, forget about it, lately whatever the problem is, tea is the solution. Also I figure as long as the tea is decaffinated, not full of sugar, and isn't one of those weird herbal healing teas, it's great.

I keep waiting to not feel so tired all the time, I am well into the second trimester, but I still fall into a comatose sleep anytime I'm near a couch or bed. I'm also patiently waiting to feel something move in there. Some sort of affirmation of tangable life. My doctor said that since the placement of the placenta is between the baby and me, it may not be until next week that I can even feel anything. Every once in a while I feel something, but it's not enough to say "aha! That is without a doubt, kicking" But I'm sure that later in this same journal, I'll be complaining about a foot lodged somewhere in my organs, so I guess you really can't win.

Next week Emily and are are returning back to the west side of the mountains for Christmas, which I am really looking forward to since we have not been back since August - for my friend's baby shower -and said baby is now four months old! I'm excited to see everyone, but unfortunately Ian has to work, so we won't see him very much. But there are still some of my friends over there that I haven't told yet. So they should be really suprised. I can't believe that at this time next year, little Peanut will be seven months old, probably crawling all over the place and driving me crazy. Right now though I feel like it's forever until May.

Iatrophobia - 16 Weeks

So I bought a blood pressure monitor to check myself at home and thus far I think I've been stressing about my blood pressure for no reason. The last few days it has been around 115/79, so armed with that info, I'm going back to the doctor and saying "See, it is you!". So what this means that instead of having a scary physical condition, I have some kind of weird psychological problem. Hmmm, don't know which I'd prefer.

Turns out I can label my problem. Iatrophobia is the fear of doctors and/or doctor visits, or I could have Lockiophobia, the fear of childbirth, or maybe Nosocomephobia, the fear of hospitals. It could be worse, I could have Xanthophobia, the fear of the color yellow or the world yellow.

It snowed on Tuesday this week, which was also the day I had a presentation for a class, and so I was wearing heels - which, by the way, is advised against during the entire duration of pregnancy - it made for a very interesting walk home. There's a walkway that goes down toward the hospital from the science library (those of you familiar with the campus might know what I'm talking about), that had turned into a bobsled track that day. Then, when I was walking past the Stephenson Complex dorms, I saw that a car had ended up on the stairs going down there, hanging off the ledge. I wouldn't have wanted to be that driver. Luckily I got studed tires on Wendsday, so I feel pretty good now.

The funny and pretty cute thing (to me at least) about all this is that all this has brought out Ian's protective side. On Tuesday, Emily and I went outside to go sledding - and we weren't out there more than an hour - and Ian had tried to call, aparently a few times. The phone was ringing as Emily and I were coming in the door, and It was Ian, thinking I fell on my way home or crashed the car.

In other news, I feel like I'm not as tired anymore, though I still passed out this afternoon while watching a movie. I'm also feeling a lot more hungry lately, and I'm enjoying food a lot. This morning Ian and I had a date at the European Waffle House, which serves the best breakfast in town (mmmm, fresh squeezed orange juice), and not only did I eat an entire plate of goulash (which is potatoes, onions, eggs, cheese, pepers, sasuage, and ham), I also ate a huge cinamon roll, dripping with cream cheese frosting. I ate more than Ian, but I figured most of it was pretty good for me - protein, dairy, veggies, potatoes, fruit - the cinamon roll was just one of those "indulgences" all the books say you should allow yourself. Though they usually call a yogurt smoothie an indulgence, but hey, let's be realistic. How many pregnant women out there are justifying a pint of Ben and Jerry's with the "Indulgence" clause?

Obsessions, Complaints, and Thanks - 15 Weeks

I think I've visited every website related to pregnancy, babies, and especially baby names. It's getting a little obsessive compulsive at this point. I think I spent all day on friday reading archived articles at the Parenting magazine website, a magizine that I've had a subscription to since 2000. The really sad thing is that I have long since realized that just about any book, advice, or article about babies says basically the same thing. But does that stop me from flipping through Dr. Sears' book at the bookstore, wondering if it might have some tidbit that's not in my other 4 pregnancy books? No. And does it stop me from comparing the 15th week beteen babycenter.com, parenting.com, and about.com? No again.

The other thing that I've realized, after reading all of this, is that although there's all this talk about feeling great and attractive during pregnancy. I'm patiently waiting for the moment when I don't feel fat and uncomfortable with dry skin and indigestion. I'd like to actually meet a real woman who felt sexy during pregnancy, cause I'm really not feeling it.

Okay, enough with the hormonal rant.

The really really good news is that I had a doctor's appointment this week and all my tests came back just fine. The did take my blood pressure at the beginning of the appointment and it was 160/90, which is terrible, but then when my doctor took it again after we were done, it was 138/80, so that's a big difference. I also got another look at peanut. My mom came with me, since she was visiting for Thanksgiving, so she was able to persuade the nurse into a sonogram. Unfortunately we didn't find out the sex, like I thought we might, but he or she was actually sucking on his or her fingers and even had the hiccups for a while! It's really easy to forget that all I was complaining about above is because there's a real person in there. I can't wait to feel somethning, I think that will make it all more real. We will probably find out the gender in a few weeks when I have my offical sonogram with the technician, and luckily Ian will be there to see it all.

We also had a wonderful Thanksgiving here at our house with my mom and brother. The highlight for me was when we did the somewhat hokey tradition of saying what we're thankful for, and after I blundered and joked my way through what I was thankful for, Ian gave a very elequent and heartfelt little speech that made me feel really special.

So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, the things for which I am thankful are: A healthy pregnancy, despite my many, many complaints; Ian, who is a wonderful, wonderful man, and already talks to my belly and gives me backrubs; Emily, who is one of the most fun people in the world to be around; my mom, who I always have fun with, even if we're lost in North Idaho; I'm thankful that Andrew is happy, and doing something he loves; Ian's entire family for being so thoughtful, caring, and willing to love Emily and me; I'm thankful that we're all hapy, and relatively healthy (Ian's back is on the mend); I'm thankful that Sara and Evan are healthy and I'm really thankful that I'll get to meet him soon; and since this is getting long, I'm thankful for leftover Thanksgiving food, which is delicious and has allowed me to stay out of the kitchen for the last 3 days.

Bring on the Turkey - 14 Weeks

I don't know a what point I'll learn that procrastination never pays. I curse myself every time I stay up late working on a paper for not starting earlier. This week I had two papers due on the same day, and although I had known about these papers since, uh, September, do you think I started on them before this weekend? Oh no. Luckily this time I can blame the fatigue I had all of the first trimester, but now that I'm officially in the second trimester, I'm really looking forward to getting my energy back. Any time now...

There are about a million things I feel like I need to do, like go through the baby stuff that is in storage and figure out what's usable and where it's going to fit in our house. It seemed so big when we moved in just last may, but we quickly filled it up and I'm having trouble imagining another person, even a small one, in this house.

Other than that, I also need to register us for a birth class and probably sign this baby up for childcare at the WSU center - the waiting list is that long, it's crazy.

Luckily in the next few weeks after Thanksgiving break, I don't have much to do. Just a few tests, nothing like recent years of finals from hell.

But the light at the end of the tunnel is Christmas break, going to mom's, seeing both our families, and all the magic that is Christmas with a four-year-old. I can't believe next year at this time, we'll have little peanut to enjoy as well.

How Do You Know He's Not My Sidekick? - 13 Weeks

I don't know if it was all the popcorn and soda I had at the theater yesterday, the italian soda I had at Daily Grind (instead of what I really wanted, coffee!), or Kevin Smith, but I was overcome by sudden gut-wrenching vomiting last night after Ian and I finished watching the comentary for Dogma - we've (I've) been on a Kevin Smith kick lately. Man, just as I'm rounding the corner to the second trimester safe zone - It's probably karma for thinking "ha I made it through the first trimester without morning sickness!". Though I don't know if this has more to do with the pregnancy or the unusually large amount of sugar I had yesterday.

I have to go back to the doctor again next week, and of course I'm fearing the worst with all the tests I had to do this week - I brought my jug back to the lab and there were like 3 doctors taking a break with the lab tech so I said "uh, I'm bringing back a sample...?" and the lab tech asks "what is it?". Um, obviously they hired her for her discretion. So I turn really red and manage to say "a lot of urine". Then she proceeds to draw several viles of blood and I have to pee in a cup again.

Poor Ian though, he hurt his back at work last week - he finally got some drugs, which as it turns out, are pretty good. He's been walking around in an oxycontin-induced haze for the last two days. We're quite a pair.

And (I'm not complaining or anything here) to top it all off, I have several things due next week, two exams, and we've got a match against Eastern Washington University's mock trial team tomorrow morning. This is probably why most people wait until they're done with college to have babies.

Twilight Years - 12 Weeks

So I figured at 23 I didn't need to worry about things like high blood pressure, elastic pants, and gray hair. Aparently I was wrong.

Here's one for the "humliations during pregnancy list" - today I had to go pick up a jug at the lab in the hospital - for guess what... pee. Lots of pee. Even though I've sworn up and down to my doctor that my elevated blood pressure is due to doctor anxiety (nothing personal!), she doesn't believe me, hence I must pee into a jug for 24 hours straight. I have a feeling that's not going to be too much fun during my nightly batrhoom runs. I guess I'd rather have a doctor that is overly cautious than not - especially after came home after my doctor visit and freaked myself out by reading in my pregnancy books about chronic hypertension and preeclampsia, both of which sound much worse than having to pee into a jug all day. And on the bright side, the kind man at the lab spared me from having to carry my enormous jug past all the people waiting at student health services by providing a nonconspicous black plastic bag.

So the prelude to all this was my doctor visit on Wendsday, which went pretty well, although I'm discovering that, and maybe it's just this stage in pregnancy, I fear the worst all the time. I had to wait in my doctor's office for a while, and by the time she got there, I had figured whatever bad news she had, she must want to tell me with my clothes on, so it must be really bad. Oy, what am I going to do for the next 6 months? No wonder my blood pressure is so high.

Not all was bad at the doctor, I did have another ultrasound, which was awesome. The baby is moving around (although I can't feel anything yet), and it really looks like a baby instead of a peanut.

Last weekend my mom, Emily, and I went up to Spokane in search of maternity clothes (the only choice in Pullman is Wal-Mart) - turns out there aren't a lot of choices in Spokane either, but I got a lot of really cute stuff that is still a bit big, but much more comfortable than my regular jeans - elastic pants - who knew? We had a great time and stayed in a hotel - which we took full advantage of, complete with an ice cream run at midnight. Not my fault, we were watching the food chanel, what do you expect? I also stayed up way too late absorbing TV, which we don't have at home, and I was shocked and disturbed to find shows such as The Fresh Prince and Roseanne on, get this, Nick at Night! Whaaaaa? When I remember watching Nick at Night, everything was in black and white, now it's shows I remember watching when they were on in prime time. I did recently find my first gray hair, so I guess I'm getting up there. And I now understand why my mom lables hers "Katies" - because I know this one belongs to Emily.

The sad thing is that I can't even dye my hair now due to the pregnancy, so I guess I'll wear my gray hair as a badge of motherhood - I've earned it.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up - 11 Weeks

Ian, being the sweet man that he is, gives me a ride to campus in the morning as to spare me the brutal ten minute walk from our apartment, which is only probably about 50 feet from 6 dorms. But unlike most of my fellow undergrads, I have pregnancy card to play, and I'm also hopelessly lazy and I don't want to walk in the cold monrings (In my defense though, I do walk home).

Me, being the complete spazz that I am, manage to somehow throw out my back while getting out of the car this morning. Perhaps it is karma for being so lazy, and my first thought is "great, what if I won't even able to lift my newborn now?!"

But if you know me, you'll also know how rational I am about injuries, and how I always make sure I take good care of myself to fast-track my recovery. So, that's why I spent this afternoon cleaning out my closet and cleaning the bathroom. My reason, of course, is that my mother is visiting tomorrow, and she may look in my closet.

I also had a crazy dream last night. I dreamt that I was in labor, but had somehow managed to skip from 11 weeks to 40 staying the same size I am now. Then somehow I had 6 babies instead of one, and my doctor was somehow unaware that I was pregnant with six babies. They were all about the size of one-month-olds, and all I can remember was no one understood that I didn't want six babies (imagine that) - like I said, crazy, but I've read that it's pretty common for expectant mothers to have wild, vivid dreams, so I guess it's normal.

Hopefully my back will get better soon, I don't want to start having dreams about paralysis - I don't care how normal it is, I don't think I could handle that.

Wtar Sars, Unemployment, and the Weather Takes a Decided Turn for the Worse - 10 Weeks

As I speed-walked home today through what can only be described as freezing rain that wasn't quite frozen with the wind whipping through my sweater, I thought to myself "who am I kidding, it isn't October 17th anymore". Gone are the mild temperatures of just last week, when one could actually stand outside one's car while pumping gas. Yes kiddies, winter has hit the Palouse with full force, and if you're even thinking of walking out that door without your winter coat again before, say, May, think agian. Just as summer is spent dashing from your air conditioning in the car to air conditioning in a store or at home, winter is spent shivering in your car until that delicious moment when the heat kicks in and you're actually warm... for five seconds before you actually reach your destination and are forced to face to nature once again. It's not even the cold or the snow, or even the rain, it's the wind over here. Pullman has brought a whole new level of understanding of the phrase 'wind chill'.

Now, you're probably asking yourself 'Isn't this blog called Kate's Pregnancy Journal, what does this have to do with being pregnant?'. Well I'll tell you. I have read on numerous occasions that women who are pregnant have a higher body temperature than the average joe. While most people probably don't enjoy that particular symptom, I was looking forward to it. If I'm going to spend the winter pregnant, it's really the least this baby could do for me.

In other news unrelated to anything prenatal, I finally quit my job, and I even begin to describe how awesome it is that I don't have to be anywhere tomorrow. Not that working for a couple of hours on Saturdays and Sundays was all that difficult, it will just be so wonderful to spend the morning home with Ian and Emily, and not having to tear myself away to go water some plants I don't care about.

Other than that, things are gonig well. I've noticed my stomach has started to show a bit, although I have my doubts on whether it's the baby or my recent eating habits - I swear the only way to fight nausea is to keep something on my stomach. Luckily my biggest craving is Nutri-Grain bars and milk, and the occasional pizza with artichokes. Also, I'm wondering if it may just be psychological, since I'm very excited to actually have a pregnant tummy. In any case, we plan to spend my first weekend off watching Star Wars (Wtar Sars, as Emily calls it) snuggled up in bed - so bring on the rain and wind.

Our First Sonogram - 9 Weeks

We had our first sonogram yesterday, and everything went really well. It was amazing to actually see this little tiny peanut, it really makes this all much more real. It was very reassuring to see that everything is where its supposed to be. The only real concern was my blood pressure, which usually runs on the high side, but has always been especially high at the doctor's office so they always worrry. I have a bit of anxiety about the doctor, which is pretty irrational, but still...

Emily and Ian both got to come along, which was a bit strange having such an audience at the doctor (especially this kind of doctor) but it is wonderful to have my family so involved with this pregnancy. Ian is new to all this, but very egar to learn (as long as the descriptions aren't too explicit).

It's funny how after you have a child how nothing is really off limits about your body. My friend Sara just had her first child in September and we were discussing all the various humliations you must go through during childbirth. She told me about how a nurse was showing Sara some breastfeeding techniques and the nurse asked her if she could touch her. This was the same nurse who had assisted the entire birth, so Sara said "I'm pretty sure we're past the point of you asking."

A few weeks ago I was having an "emotional moment" (which will make Ian laugh when he reads this) about not feeling like myself, but I guess not owning your own body is the recurring theme of pregnancy.