Fitting In and Filling Out - 24 Weeks

Okay, so I'm taking a one credit biology class - It's called current issues in biology or something - and this week we learned about reproduction. Seriously. I wanted to raise my hand and say "Yeah, got it. Can I be excused?" The first chapter of every one of my pregnancy books covered more than we did in class - but then again it was only an hour class. My professor did say something I found interesting and pretty amusing - when it comes to reproduction, you're either on one side of the fence or the other - trying to do it or trying to aviod it. Pretty profound eh?

So I get these weekly updates in my email from Babycenter. They're somewhat interesting bits if info about the baby's development and some random pregnancy tips like "If you're craving chocolate, just grab a handful of chocolate cereal to satisfy that craving while taking in important nutrients". Um, please give me a break, if I want chocolate, give me a damn chocolate bar or ice cream. That will satisfy my craving. But anyway, this is what it said in my pregnancy newsletter this week: "You're getting bigger by the minute, but that's no reason to stop exercising — just modify your routine as your body changes". Um, yeah. I am definitely getting bigger by the minute, but here's my exercise routine:

Monday, Wendsday Friday: After gazing longingly at the elevator, walk up stairs to fourth floor of Bryan Hall once at 9:00am then again at 11:00. Feel winded and swear to use the elevator next time.

Let us not also forget the brisk walk down a gradual slope home after class Monday thru Friday. Ah, and the art of squeezing myself behind the desks in Todd Hall - surely that counts for something?

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem - which I guess I haven't got to yet. Although the desks fold down in Todd, so I could just write with my notebook in my lap, I can't seem to bring myself to do that. Geeze I'm not really to that point yet am I? And I suppose there will be a time when the baby is squeezing my lungs so much that the elevator will be the best choice if I don't want to spend half of class hyperventilating. But for now I remain in denial, trying not to stand out, but at the same time, enjoying the attention I do get.

For instance, I'm on my school's mock trial team, and now everyone officially knows about my condition (oy, that word, it's like I have a disease or something). Other than making some of the younger team members feel like I'm really old, it's been nice. I get pats on my tummy, and everyone asks how I'm doing. We had a competition last weekend in Spokane and it was the first time I wore an outfit that really showed off my belly out of the house. It was liberating in a way to be around all these students from different schools - and to fit in on my own terms.

So I guess at some point in the near future I'll have to take that elevator and keep the desk folded down. But for now, it's okay to want to just be like everyone else, and enjoy being different at the same time.

Baby Love - 23 Weeks

To anyone who has ever been pregnant before - ever wonder if people look at you and just think you're fat? Since I have yet to fill out the maternity clothes my mom and I got in October, my wardrobe consists of one pair of loose jeans and some baggy sweaters and sweatshirts. I'm just afraid that if I actually wore something tight, people would mistake me for flaunting the freshman 20 (and really, there's enough of that as it is).

But with all the negative aspects to pregnancy out there, the part I'm really enjoying is feeling little Mr. Peanut kick. It's funny how not that long ago I hadn't felt anything, then all of a sudden, wham! This little guy is kicking field goals in there. It seems like he favors kicking my bladder when I'm sitting, which is not the most pleasant sensation when I'm in class, but hey, I never thought this semester would be easy.

Last night I had a return of crazy pregnancy dreams. I dreamt that I was at the hospital, when my doctor asked if I'd rather have a c-section. For some reason I said yes, and I remember Ian being really bewildered by the whole thing. The next thing I knew I was lying on a table, unable to move from the neck down, and thinking "wait, isn't this a bit early to be having the baby?", since I was at 23 weeks still. Now, I know that modern medicine has allowed babies born at this stage to survive, which is quite amazing, but I couldn't figure out why my baby needed to be born. I woke up feeling a little disturbed, but also sad that I didn't get to meet him.

I can't believe how far this pregnancy has come in the last weeks. I've really gone from just feeling uncomfortable to really feeling like there is an end to all this (not that I don't still feel uncomfortable), and I can't wait to see my little boy. It's so real for me that I can almost feel him in my arms and smell his little head with soft downy hair. I can even imagine loving him as much as I already love Emily - and it was pretty hard to picture that happening at all just a few months ago.

It's a Boy - 22 Weeks

How does one reflect on the gender of one's child? After writing the title of this entry, I stared blankly at the screen (then at the floor, then at the desk, then at my can of pineapple juice). After so many months of not knowing, it was summed up in a few seconds at the doctor's office, clear as day, without question. A boy. It may sound like I'm in shock or disappointed that it is a boy, but it's just the shock of actually knowing it's one or the other. This little being now has more of an identity, is becoming more and more real every day. I keep catching myself saying "it", and it feels so weird to say he.

We are both so excited that it is a boy, though I would have been happy either way. Ian, I think, is even more excited because not only did he want what he calls "one on his team", but I think there are so many things he's imagined sharing with his son that he shared with his dad as a boy. And as much as I can claim that girls can be just as interested in cars and computers as boys, I can't deny that Emily will never really care all that much. She likes trucks and Star Wars because she can share these things with her dad, and not necessarily because they hold an intrinsic value to her. I'm also glad to be able to have a different experience with a boy than I had with Emily. Sons just don't have the same relationship with their moms as daughters do - some argue that it's better or easier, and I can't say, but it will be different.

Alas, although our options of names have been cut in half, we have yet to decide on one. I always kind of thought we'd wait until we met him or her to really choose a name, but I thought we'd at least be a little closer at this point. The best response I can get from Ian at this point on a name is "I don't hate it".

But there is one name. Before Ian and I had even seriously considered getting engaged, we were on campus having breakfast on one of Ian's visits. It was just after we had a difficult winter and that spring was a renewal of sorts for us. We were talking about baby names, obviously very abstractly, and I suggested one. Ian agreed that it was perfect. Since then, I've thought of our child as not only a boy, but with this paticular name. So, over the last year and a half, I've thought of the name as not only symbolic in terms of our relationship, but now that I'm pregnant, it also signifies that this baby was so wanted by both of us, so real, so long ago.

Rounding Second - 19, 20, & 21 Weeks

'Tis the Season
It feels a little weird to be writing agian, after being gone so long. Christmas was a pretty hectic time, I spent it mostly shopping, visiting family, and catching up on movies. Ian and I put quite a few miles on my car driving back and forth from his dad's to my mom's but other than never having a comfortable bed and me being sick, Christmas was great. Ian, Emily, and I spent the entire time together, which is what was most important, and we also saw a lot of our families.

And although families are great, on Cristmas day Ian and I were able to spend the evening with our friends, Sara and Cameron, playing 90's Trivial Pursuit, which was a blast. Sara and Cameron just had their son, Evan, in September, so we got to expereince them trying to console poor Evan while answering questions. I remember being so frusterated by that kind of thing when Emily was a baby. You know, when you just want to eat / take a shower / have a five minute conversation and the baby is not going to allow that kind of nonsense.

But as I began doing a little baby shopping while I was back - all in yellow and green - I found myself looking at these little tiny t-shirts and just aching for our baby to be here. I picture myself scooping him or her up in my arms in these little outfits, and it all seems so real.

Good Friends
On New Year's Eve, Ian and I celebrated three years together. It was extremely laid back, in comparison to the night we met, but that is definitely where we and our friends are at this stage. We drove up to Arlington to visit Sara and Cameron at their new house. Cameron's brother and his wife were there and we had a nice evening playing, 90's Trivial Pursuit and Ian got to see 'Napoleon Dynamite', which he spent the next week quoting. The highlight for me was that Sara bought me an O'Doul's, since I've been craving beer since I thought I might be pregnant. We made it until about 12:10 and then promptly went to bed.

The next morning Ian and I drove further north to Anacortes, where Ian spent a lot of his childhood, and visited his cousins. It is so beautiful up there, we decided that if we ever had to move back to Western Washington, we would have to live there. Then we went even further north up to Bellingham to visit Brian and Jen. We had a lovely dinner and got to stay at this beautiful resort in Blaine, which is right on the Canadian border. It's located on a penninsula so it's surrounded by water, and the hotel itself is just breathtaking. We gave ourselves a tour that night and wandered into the bar, which is worth mentioning because the entire back of the drink menu was non-alcoholic. Jackpot! Though I ordered a wonderful-sounding grapefruit seltzer combo, it immediately gave me acid reflux. Pretty much everything does these days, so I don't know what I was thinking. It was a fantastic trip, and it was wonderful to get away with Ian before the baby is born.

The Pitter-Patter of Little Feet
On the baby front, I have felt some movements finally. A little after we got back from our trip, Ian was even able to feel the baby kick a little. It's very exciting and reassuring to feel it move in there.
I can't wait to see what this little baby looks like and what it's personality is like. I've kind of figured out a pattern to the kicking, but it's so hard to tell at this point.

The Happiest Place on Earth
Finally, the last week we spent in California at Disneyland (you see now why I haven't updated the journal in a while). We went with my mom and brother, and it was a blast. Even though it rained a lot, the highlight for me was seeing Disneyland through Emily's eyes. Ian also seemed to have a great time, for such a tough guy, he sure loves Disneyland (don't tell anybody though). We also had a chance to make a stuffed animal for the baby at one of those build a bear workshops. It's the softed rabbit in the whole world and Ian and I had a lot of fun making it. We also had a wonderful dinner at this Italian resturant with what Ian claims to be "the best beer in the world" so I'm very disappointed for missing out on that one.



All in all, vacation was great, but we're all glad to be home, and in what feels like the home stretch of the pregnancy. With all the movement, and my expanding girth, I really am feeling pregnant, but also excited to be in the second half - only 19 weeks to go!